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Third Front Opened in the War on Terror
Cheney behind initial attacks, Bush jumps on board later
 Washington, DC - Announced by President Bush, and confirmed by extremely shaky videos on YouTube, a full-scale military strike has been launched on San Francisco. Bush justified the attack on the grounds of "credible evidence" that a chemical-related weapon has been destroying American landmarks. The former Texas Rangers owner stated, "There is nothing us folks value more highly than the sanctity of baseball records, and asterisks can only take us so far. Seriously, the dude put on 50 pounds of pure muscle, look at the pictures on si.com, even I'm not retarded enough not to notice." The initial strike, with Delta Force and Chuck Norris, attempted to capture "the chemical weapon" at his place of residence, but the Giants were away, making the attack a waste. General Michael Hayden, head of the CIA, commenting on the CIA's inability to predict the movements of a 230-pound roid monster, stated, "You go in with the intelligence you have, and this was 'Home Run' intelligence." Conservative columnist Ann Coulter wrote, "We need to kill their leaders, burn their devil hyphy music, and convert them to Christianity. Because I know Jesus would have used F-35's to level power plants and destroy bridges, just like the Bible says." President Bush also used the famed homosexuality and tolerance of San Francisco as further justification for military attack. The latest Wall Street Journal/Fox News/Rupert Murdoch Rules! Weekly poll pinned President Bush at a 98% approval rating among self-identified, "conservative voters."
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