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Sporting Bodies Convene to Discuss Athlete Contract Disgruntlement
First issue on agenda: Is 'disgruntlement' a word?
 Scrooge Mansion - Vince Young is a pretty thick-skinned guy. As an African American who grew up in the South, he knows what it means to be insulted. When told that the twang in his accent makes him sound like a corn farmer, he just laughs it off. So when the rising NFL star quit the Titans last week, claiming that he was 'hurt', there was clearly something wrong.  But the fact is, Young is only the most recent case in a string of athletes and coaches in the sporting world who have hung up their boots citing 'emotional trauma', 'deep hurt' and a sense of being 'insulted'. As said Bill Belichick, who last week gave up a chance at a surefire thirteenth Super Bowl ring, "I could take the accusations of spying, never changing out of my sweats, and even being the most incredible coach in the world. But offering me incentives in a meagre contract? Now that’s really not what I deserve.” In related news, since Belicheks retirement, the Patriots have plunged into a worrying rut, winning their past 3 games only by a margin of 2 touchdowns. When probed deeper, we found that the source of most of the depression was from contract issues. Almost all of the athletes and coaches who have recently quit their respective teams have done so because they were hurt and insulted by the terms of their contracts, with the lone exception of Joey Harrington, whose depression stems mainly from sucking, bad. Steve McLaren, coach of the England national soccer team, was initially reported as also having quit due to being insulted, but breaking reports have it that he was actually just fired. With the matter threatening to get out of hand, the NFL, MLB, NBA and Dr. Phil have convened to discuss how to pacify the smarting players and coaches, and restore happiness and dignity in the league. But some say it will be an uphill road. Said NFL commissioner, Roger Goodell, "You know, of course people want to take their words back, but I don’t know if that'll change anything. Things just get said in the heat of the moment y'know? One second its an argument, the next second you're denying someone a $50 million dollar contract which they probably deserve. Its tough to find the line." David Beckham of the LA Galaxy, who does, in fact, have a $50 million dollar contract but recently quit the Galaxy, made time for comment while wiping aside tears. "It was insulting to find out that I don’t actually get $50 million every year, but that its spread out over 5 years. I felt bloody down. Now I’m left both insulted and unsure of whether I can afford groceries." Looking for an urgent solution to this pressing issue, the sporting bodies decided to contact the international community and the United Nation for aid. Talks have been planned with IMF and World Bank, and there is hope that these organizations will see the need to invest money into beefing up the contracts of U.S. athletes and coaches. So far, only the United States representatives have supported the proposal, but they are confident that a coalition of the willing will be formed within the month. All major Pacific island nations and Canada have been contacted.
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