|
|
Raiders End Russell Holdout by Offering Him Ice Cream Bar
Having finished the bar in 3 bites, Russell says he 'doesn't regret the decision'
 Oakland, CA - After months of tense negotiations over the 2007 NFL draft top pick, JaMarcus Russell was signed to the Oakland Raiders today after Mr. Al Davis personally offered Russell an ice cream bar. Mr. Davis’s gesture was not immediately accepted though by Russell’s agent, although the salivating quarterback seemed ready to go through with the deal. Negotiations over whether the bar would or would not have almonds continued for hours this morning, with the Raiders appearing visibly miffed at their marquee player for the future. A deal was finally reached by both parties and it seems that each side is looking positively toward the future. “I’m excited,” said Russell, “this was my childhood dream. I hear there might even be chocolate in the center.” Coach Lane Kiffin, who at 32 is the youngest coach in the league, tried to get a bite but was preemptively b****slapped by Russell. Daunte Culpepper, a seemingly permanent victim of the Madden curse, was disconsolate after hearing about the deal. Having finally snagged the starting job for the Raiders, the news essentially established an expiry date for the aging quarterback. When contacted for an interview, Culpepper was particularly emo. “Life messes with you man. First my mom decided to give me the name Daunte, which sounds Cajun at best. Then Randy Moss left me. Now this. I just wish I had an ice cream bar right now,” lamented Culpepper. Dauntes efforts to grow long straight hair over his eyes has so far been unsuccessful, but his black attire and eyeliner seems to fit in with the Raiders colors. Culpeppers ensuing attempts to make cuts on his wrists may or may not affect his throwing arm, and the impact of this news on Jerry Porters temper remains to be seen.  For Russell however, and most Raiders fans, the deal brings an immense amount of relief. The holdout was the longest in NFL history, and to end it, the Raiders had to use a variety of tactics. It is reported that in an effort to sign Russell, the Raiders assured Russell that Jerry Porter is actually a good receiver, they next promised Russell that Jessica Alba would be the starting center, and finally they even brought in the cat from Shrek to make puppy eyes at Russell. However, with none of these tactics working, and Russell threatening to hold his breath, the Raiders had to delve into Russells history of troubled holdouts to find the solution. Russells mother explained, “This new holdout was nothing. When JaMarcus was a baby he held out on having a shower till he was 6 years old. I finally broke that with an ice cream bar, so I suggested that to Mr. Davis.” In light of this news, Mr. Manmohan Singh, prime minister of India, has offered a samosa to Pervez Musharraf of Pakistan in return for Kashmir. Negotiations seem to be successful so far. When contacted for an interview, Kim Jong Il of North Korea said that he was “disgusted that countries could be bought out with the simple offer of food. How can you go back on a stance?” Mr. Il’s position raises a number of interesting foreign policy questions, most or all of which will not be discussed on this website.
|