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Imaginary Sports-Play Now Illegal
Pretending to be your favorite superstar is banned
 Michael Jordan grew up admiring the great basketball players before him and emulated and imitated them with his basketball game. Kobe Bryant as a kid would shoot around pretending he was Michael Jordan. And indeed, even you in your future sports-writing endeavors will attempt to mirror yours truly.  Well, now you can’t do it anymore. In a crushing market collapse for kids everywhere, pretending to be a professional player of any sport is now considered voodoo witchcraft and has been banned. Superstar football player LaDainian Tomlinson argues, "I blame my bad games on the fact that kids are pretending to be me too much. I have a good game, and then I play badly the next inexplicably. It's got to be the kids. Last year I did well every game, but then I won the MVP and everyone wants to be like me." John Truman, a young boy from Huntsville, Alabama, is sad. He doesn’t get cable television and can only resort to his imagination to get the thrill from the professional play of the sports he loves. Now, he has lost this. Parents are more happy than sad though, because they don’t want their kids partying, drinking, and taking drugs at clubs, or riding around with jewelry all over their body. Kobe Bryant was available for comment, and said that “as long as people know when I win, I don’t care if they see it or not. As long as they know.” Interesting analysis from Kobe, considering most people will still see him lose; they just can’t be him and enjoy that feeling anymore. The ban will be enforced by the Retired Players Association from multiple professional sports leagues who are looking for something to do. The problem is that those retirees that were intelligent enough proceeded into the business world, and remaining in charge of the Association are the, how should we say…less intelligent athletes. Selfish players across the major sports can breathe a heavy sigh of relief. Michael Jordan iterated, "I got tired of people trying to be like Mike. It's just annoying. I'm happy that it's being put to an end, and people can start being themselves instead of trying to be someone they obviously will never ever have a chance of being." Barry Bonds spoke up, "I don’t think anyone wants to be me right now, so this law doesn’t really affect me-eee(high-pitched voice)." A grand jury is looking into the source of the high-pitched voice. This is not a joke, they really are.
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