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NFL to Punish Belichick and Patriots for Multiple Cheating Infractions
Charges include drinking magic potion, invoking God, and stealing a Captain Planet ring
 The Chinese philosopher Confucius is cited as being the first one to say the famous phrase, “the cat’s out of the bag”. For the New England Patriots and coach Bill Belichick, all their pets, including two terriers, one Siamese cat, a parrot and a pair of goldfish are all pouring out of the metaphorical sack. And they haven’t been potty trained. In an effort to crack down on cheating all around the league, commissioner Roger Goodell has concentrated all his efforts on cracking down on the Patriots. On Monday, Goodell opened his office to coaches from around the league to come in for a “bitch” session, allowing them an opportunity to rat out Belichick and expose the Patriots various devious cheating tactics. Coach Lovie Smith of the Bears reported that Patriots players all gathered around a pot before the game and were ladeled special magic potion by their locker room druid. Coach Norv Turner of the San Diego Chargers complained that he had seen Coach Belichick perform voodoo on little miniature dolls of LT and Antonio Gates. And Coach Coughlin of the New York Giants reported that after a freak accident a while ago, Tom Brady now occasionally turns into the Hulk.  Commissioner Roger Goodell does not take these crimes lightly, and has vowed to end the practice of cheating by the Patriots. When contacted for comment, Goodell was clear on his stance. “It is now clear why the Patriots are dominating over every other team in the NFL. I’m glad the coaches came to me, and now we can take measures towards remedying the issue. Hey, anything to increase league parity.” Goodell went on to state that from now on, all teams playing the Patriots will be given a 20 point headstart, to level the playing field and punish the cheaters. While the Patriots dirty techniques have surprised many around the league and around the country at large, the news is no-news to ex-Arizona Cardinals head coach Dennis Green. “The Patriots are exactly who we thought they were. If you wanna crown them, go ahead. But they are exactly who we thought they were,” said an increasingly aggravated Green. He then proceeded to storm out of our interviewing session, which was strange because the interview was conducted from his living room.
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